Enough is enough.

I try so hard, spend so much effort, trying to prove that I'm enough for this work here in Dublin.  Strong enough.  Smart enough.  Spiritual enough.  Compassionate enough.  Perceptive enough.  Praying enough.  Open enough.  All so that I can love enough.  Witness enough.  Be enough.  Do enough. 

But no matter what I do, it's never enough.  Success through enough is impossible.

Luckily, God doesn't call me to be enough.  He doesn't even call me to be successful.  He calls me to be faithful.  He calls me to love.  "Since God so loved us, so we ought to love one another; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

At the not-so-recent IBI retreat, we talked about faith, hope, and love.  During the last session, we looked at the impact vulnerability has on our capacity to love.  Not just any vulnerability either.  The "it might rain outside, but I'm gonna chance it and not take a jacket" kind of vulnerability won't cut it here.  We're talking about the "I know a hurricane is coming, but I'm gonna go stand on the beach and left my arms to heaven" kind of vulnerability.  The kind of vulnerability that leaves you totally exposed.  Totally helpless. Totally dependent.  We're talking about excruciating vulnerability.

Excruciating vulnerability means embracing all the things I've been trying so hard to fight with enough.  I embrace weakness instead of strength.  Not knowing instead of wisdom.  Failure instead of success.  Confusion instead of perception.  I embrace embarrassment.  Pain.  Loneliness.  Misunderstanding.  I embrace everything that brings fear.  A complete upheaval of my self.  Excruciating vulnerability allows God's "perfect love to cast out fear."  His "love is perfected within me, so that I may have confidence... for as he is, so also am I" (1 John 4:17-18).

He doesn't call me to be perfect.  He calls me to have confidence in His perfection within me.  He doesn't call me to be enough.  He calls me to abide in Him.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to quit trying and just love.  But He is a patient Teacher.  And my heart will learn.

Note: Jars of Clay's song Faith Enough highlights how God uses our weakness to show His love and faithfulness.  It's pretty-much-literally-exactly what I'm trying to say here...  

Hope: Round Two

A few months ago, I wrote this post on the things I hope for.  But after the IBI retreat, and a slightly-too-close-to-home assignment on "singleness", it seems that there is more to be said about the nature of my hope. 

"What do you hope for?"  That was the question we were asked.  It wasn't hard to come up with lots of answers.  They range from completely superfluous to completely genuine.

I hope that...
*the Rangers win the World Series this year.
*I can go home for Christmas.
*Mooly and Daddy come visit me in Dublin.
*I eventually run into Liam McAwesome.
*my wings stay as strong as my roots are deep.
*I can let go of myself and surrender everything to Christ... for real.
*God is proud of me.
*my Daddy is proud of me.
*when people look at me, they see Jesus.
*my work and my passion will always have something in common.
*I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
*I won't always be so far away from Home.
*and so on...

(Several of my "hopes" had something to do with Sonic Happy Hour and/or Mexican food.  They were too ridiculous to properly mention.)

Family.  Faith.  Future.  Health.  Happiness.  Love.  Success.  It all went through my mind.  Then I found it.  The core of what I hope for.  The one thing that I want most: To know and be known by my Creator.  To be of one mind and one heart with Yahweh.  To pursue Him as passionately as He pursues me. 

And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  --Romans 5:2

There's no "I" in "righteous"

(Well, there is.  But there shouldn't be.)

The events of the past two weeks have begun to release the chains that I didn't know were shackling my heart.  I didn't realize it until now.

First, we (sans Denise and the kiddos) spent a day and a half among a great cloud of witnesses in Derby, England, experiencing how God is bringing healing and restoration to their community through 13 years of Celebrate Recovery.  We saw how God advances His kingdom through the faithfulness of those who love Him: it was incredible.  Second, the Hutsons and I have been working on a video-update to send to our supporting congregation in Tuscaloosa, trying to convey how God is stirring in Dublin, trying to find my significance in the work here: it's been difficult.  Third, I had a two-day retreat with all the staff and students from IBI.  I didn't want to go.  I was feeling burdened and overwhelmed.  The theme was "faith, hope, and love."  Apparently, it was just what I needed to hear. 

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.  --Hebrews 12:1-2

These are the lies the Adversary has convinced me of, these are the thoughts that hinder:
*I'm not "right" yet.  Not the right weight.  Not the right gentle.  Not the right spiritual.  Not the right person... yet.
*But "right" is just around the corner, and it's up to me to get there.  Eat right, sleep right, so I can feel how I should.  Read more, pray more, so I can know what I should.  Feel more, cry more, so I can love how I should.  I know what I should do, if I can't make it happen then something obviously needs to change.  I just need to re-organize, re-prioritize, then I can de-flesh and re-spiritualize.
*I'm not useful until I can be "right."  Right time.  Right place.  Right words.  Right answers.  Right prayers.  Right vision.  Right strategy.  Right action.

Then Satan reminds me of the times when everything felt "right."  Times when I was right with God.  Walking on the right path.  Making the right decisions.  Living by the right Spirit.  And then something went wrong.  Fear creeps in.  Fear that my selfishness has deafened my heart.  Fear that I'll misstep and ruin everything.  Fear that I was never really "right" in the first place.

He twists God's promise of righteousness into the impossible: the pursuit of rightness.  And I find myself entangled.

But my God is greater.  His Truth rings louder.  He tells me it's all about who I am in Him, not what I do for Him.  I am unworthy, but not worthless.  I can't be right, but I am righteous.  I was created.  Chosen.  Loved.  Redeemed.  This is the Truth that defeats the lie:

Listen to my gospel.  It is your salvation.  Believe it.  There you will find MY righteousness, revealed from MY faith for your faith (Romans 1:16-17).  You are blessed.  Your sins are forgiven.  I count nothing against you.  Don't be silent!  Pray to me! I will be found!  I am your hiding place.  I keep you from trouble.  I surround you with shouts of deliverance.  I will instruct you.  I will teach you.  Trust me.  Be glad, and rejoice! (Psalm 32)  For my word is true.  All my works are done in faithfulness toward you.  The whole earth is full of my steadfast love.  I look down on you from heaven.  I fashion your heart.  Hope in me.  I have delivered your soul from death.  I will keep you alive in the famine  (Psalm 33).  I have chosen you to be my treasured possession.  I have set my love on you.  I have brought you out with a mighty hand.  I have redeemed you.  I am Yahweh, your God!  I am faithful.  I keep my covenant.  Just love me (Deuteronomy 7:6-9).  I give you my peace through my son, Jesus Christ.  Stand in my grace.  Live by my faith (Romans 5:1).  Fix your eyes on Jesus, and run this race I have marked out for you.

My two other-halves: A video recap

I don't want to be sad about Sisters leaving.  So I won't write about our last night (when we never went to bed) or taking them to the airport (where Jes did something really funny that made us laugh really hard) or how empty my apartment feels now that they're not in it (though it's still surprisingly clean).  I won't write about how I started crying at school when Joan asked me how I was doing (I didn't mean too, I promise) or how boring it is to wait for the bus by myself (I got really spoiled always having someones to talk to).  No, I won't write about those things.  We had too much fun together to let any of that stuff get in the way.  Here's to remembering the good times...



I am so totally in love with being their sister!  And I can't wait to see them again... whenever that happens to be...

Moments... or "How not-to-be-sad until your glass is completely empty"

Not too long ago, time couldn't pass fast enough.  All the excitement and anticipation of seeing Sisters seemed to slow everything down.  Then Day Zero finally came, bringing Sisters with it.  Now, 10 days later, I can't seem to slow time down.  Only 8 days left.  Passed the half-way mark.  They've been here longer than they'll stay.  I can feel the sadness creeping out of my heart, making its way to the lump in my throat.  I take another drink from my glass.  The same glass that was overflowing 10 days ago is now half-empty.  I want more.  Too bad life doesn't offer free refills.

The last 10 days have been full of so many amazing moments.  Talking on the couch.  Sitting in cafes.  Walking to the store.  Hiking around Howth.  Riding public transportation.  Watching American's Next Top Model.  Shopping in city center.  Worshiping our Creator.  Playing games.  Eating grilled cheese.  Uncontrollable laughter.  A little bit of exhaustion.  So many moments of finally experiencing life in Dublin with the parts of myself I left behind.  I can't explain it.  My heart swells when I'm around them.  I'll never be ready for them to leave.

So I'll shove the sadness back down where it belongs.  It will have to wait its turn.  There are still too many moments to enjoy... Glendalough, Killiney (so we can see Bono's house), Dun Laoghaire (so Jes can re-enact scenes from P.S. I Love You), fish and chips, live music at The Ruby Sessions.  More coffee.  More grilled cheese.  More laughing.  More moments.  Lots more moments.

(A couple things I gotta confess: One, I should be sleeping.  I woke up at 4:45 this morning.  I tried to go back to sleep, I promise.  I couldn't.  At 5:45, I finally quit trying and got up for good.  Call me a quitter if you like, I did my best.  Two, I'm not supposed to be thinking about what I'm thinking about.  Sorry Sisters, I didn't mean to break the rules.  Sometimes you just can't keep your mind from going where it's not supposed to.)

Day Zero

I could barely sleep last night.  I didn't think this morning would ever come.  It did!  Denise and Bailey came with me to the airport.  They helped me be patient.  Mostly.  I contained my excitement for as long as I could, but I nearly exploded when I finally saw my sisters walk through the door.  I heard Mooly's request from the email she sent, "Just don't get arrested for being too loud at the airport."  Denise didn't want anyone getting arrested either.  I tried to keep the volume down.  I did scream for one tiny second once the elevator doors closed.  I couldn't help it.




We had tea and grilled cheese and turkey sandwiches at the Karnes' house.  About an hour later, we headed over to my house.  Jes said, "Whoa, it looked a lot bigger on the computer."  After the 2 minute tour, we had "Christmas."  Mostly fabric I'd shipped to my parents' house.  Lots of fabric.  It was wonderful.  When they couldn't keep their eyes open any longer, we put on shoes and coats and walked to the grocery store.  Amy fell asleep while the pasta was cooking.  She woke up long enough to eat, take a shower, and watch a couple episodes of Friends.  I tucked them in around 7:30pm.   'Night-night sisters...

 I can't believe I get to see them everyday for the next two and a half weeks!!!!!!!!!!!

Less than 200 hours...

...until my sisters arrive in Dublin!  Ok, maybe it's a little too soon to start counting down hours.  Eight days.  That's a more manageable time frame.  A week and a day.  That's even better.  I can't believe it!!!  I just love them oh-so-much!

I remember getting the email at the beginning of November with all their flight details.  Two and a half months ago, January 19th felt like forever away.  That was before going to Germany.  Thanksgiving.  A craft fair.  End of semester assignments.  My birthday.  The 3rd Hunger Games.  Christmas.  New Year's.  Two and a half months ago, there were so many things that had to happen before January 19th could come.  Not anymore!  Now January 19th is just around the corner.  One more weekend.  Two days of school.  A day of impatience.  Then THE day... January 19th!

It's 3:06 AM.  I'm supposed to be sleeping right now.  I can't.  I am too excited to sleep!

Free parking.

Born to sin and then get caught

All our good deeds don't mean squat...

Guilt is bitter, grace is sweet

Park it here on the mercy seat...

When we don't get what we deserve

That's a real good thing, a real good thing

When we get what we don't deserve

That's a real good thing, a real good thing.

(A Real Good Thing, Newsboys)

New Year's.  An opportunity to choose Change.  A fresh start on forgotten resolutions.  No, not forgotten... ignored.  Discarded.  Unchosen.  Paul knows what I'm talking about.  The battle that rages between flesh and spirit.  Between what I want and what I choose.  Between what I resolve and what I do.  (Romans 7:15-20)

My struggle isn't with not doing the don'ts.  For the most part, I'm a good girl.  Ask my parents.  They'll tell you.  Don't lie.  Don't do drugs.  Don't hit or bite or kill.  No problem, I can avoid all that.  Most of the time.  My battle is fought on the other side of sin: doing the do's.  Love your neighbor.  Share Jesus.  Pray without ceasing.  Seek the Kingdom.  Be bold.  Have courage.  But instead I find myself defeated by fear.  Complacency.  Insecurity.  Indifference.  Pride.  These are the things that separate me from God.  These are the sins I'm born to.  These are the sins I'm caught in.

But grace is sweet!  And I desperately need it.  Not the kind of grace that erases wrongdoing, but the kind that conquerors the depravity inside my heart.  The kind that creates a new spirit within me.  The kind that draws me ever-closer to my Creator and my Savior.  The kind that gives me what I don't deserve.  That's a real good thing, a real good thing.

This year's resolution: to park it.  Right here.  On the mercy seat.  Where my sin collides with his grace.

The 30-hour birthday

My birthday began in the most awesome way possible... with my family.  Sisters sang "Happy Birthday" at midnight and blew out the candle on my behalf.

Then I got to talk to Parents.

And Dakota.

And Sister-Amy again.

After two hours of birthday-skyping, I crawled into bed with a sleeping Bailey.  It took me a while to fall asleep... too much birthday-excitement.  Then I heard Denise whispering, "Bailey, do you want to wake Jo up and tell her Happy Birthday and that she needs to be ready at 9:30?"  Forty-five minutes later, the doorbell rang.  It was Juli and Ashlyn and Merschon and Dublin-Amy.  We went to Malahide for birthday-breakfast.  I had french toast.  And a really good latte.

In the afternoon, Denise and I did some successful shopping... complete with crazy Christmas traffic.

Everyone came over to the Karnes for birthday-dinner... Mexican food.  Go figure.  And birthday-cake... Merschon's delicious cherry-chocolate-cumbly-awesomeness.  And birthday-presents.  We The men moved the comfy furniture into the big room for a birthday-movie... Nacho Libre.  I had never seen it.  I laughed a lot.  I wasn't the only one.  It was good birthday-craic (that's Irish for "fun-times", pronounced "crack").
 

After all the birthday-partying was over, I curled up to read the perfect birthday-book... the 3rd Hunger Games (which I'd been saving for almost 2 months).  It was totally worth the wait.  I couldn't put it down.  The heart-wrenching plot was the perfect thing to drown out my end-of-birthday-blues.

Sometime during my five hours of reading, Parents and Sister-Amy celebrated at my most favorite restaurant in Dallas... Chitos.  Amy had birthday-quesadillas.  Since I wasn't there to share, she had to eat them all by herself.  Good job, Amos.

I forced myself to put down the Hunger Games at 3am.  It was way-past time to say goodnight to my birthday.  I fumbled around the dark and found my spot next to Bailey.  She rolled over in her sleep and gave me one last birthday-hug.  I smiled.  It was a good day.

Home?

There are so many things I love about living in Dublin:
*my team
*Sunday night house worship
*the weather.  seriously.
*Thursday coffee with Amy
*my cute apartment
*school
*Crossfit
*public transportation (even though it's not always on time)
*meeting new people (even though it's really hard for me to be brave and talk about why I'm here)
*really good bread.  and cheese.  and apples...
*my new bike (even though I'm still to chicken to ride it anywhere that requires me to turn across traffic)

But lately, the list of things I miss about Home has been weighing heavy.  Maybe the mistake is that I still think of that place as Home.  Isn't my home here now?  Shouldn't I call Dublin home?  The truth is, I never quit calling home Home.  Not after I went off to college and my parents moved to St. Louis.  Not after I graduated and went all the way to Chile.  Not after I came back to finish grad school and got my very first apartment.  Not after my parents traded St. Louis for Dallas.  Not after I moved into my second apartment with my great friend Jael, and then into a little house, and then back on my own in Fayetteville.  I never quit saying things like I'm going home (this weekend/for Christmas/to see my family/etc).

As happy as I am here in Ireland, I really miss Home.  A lot.  Especially now.  My birthday eve (go ahead, roll your eyes) is in 7 minutes.  My birthday is in 24 hours and 7 min.  Christmas is another 72 hours after that.  None of it feels right.  There should be lights on all the houses.  Salvation Army buckets.  Trips to Target.  Coffee and shopping with my sisters.  Crazy Christmas traffic.  Mannheim Steamroller.  I miss it all.  I miss Home.

Blog-post-catch-up, Part 2: Thanksgiving

I spent last Thanksgiving with my family.  Thankful to have extra time with the people I love the most.  Frustrated with what seemed to be an endless season of waiting for what was next.  Last Thanksgiving, I couldn't imagine myself ever actually being in Dublin.

I spent this Thanksgiving with a new family.  Thankful to finally be surrounded by the team God drew together.  Thankful to share the holiday with all the new friends we've met here, as they experienced our American holiday for the first time.  This Thanksgiving, I couldn't escape the wonderful gift of God's faithful provision.  I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Another thing to be thankful for: 10 cans of pumpkin from Mooly!  Plus some evaporated milk and spices (Shhhhhh... don't tell her you can find all those things here).  I gave 1 can away to an American classmate at IBI.  I used 1 can to make these pumpkin chocolate chip bars.  (They were a big hit... I'll probably have to make them again).  Now, what to make with the other 8?!?!?!?!?  Oh, how I do love pumpkin!

Blog-post-catch-up, Part 1: Germany

Denise posted pictures and a brief thing or two about our trip to Rothenburg, Germany on her blog.  Since I don't have any pictures of my own, and since it'd be way too hard to squeeze the trip into a blog post of reasonable length, I'll skip retelling it myself.  The one thing I will add is that Rothenburg looks like a town straight out of a Christmas snow globe.  It was old and charming and I'm pretty sure Santa has a holiday home tucked away in it somewhere.

*5:30 AM - Woke up to pack/eat breakfast/make sure nothing got left behind
*6:35 AM - Left our split level apartments to walk 10 minutes to the train station 
*6:55 AM - Boarded Train #1 (out of 5) on the way back to the airport in Memmingen
*7:15 AM - Arrived at our 1st connection station, went from platform 5 to platform 2 to wait on Train #2
*7:20 AM - Train #2 delayed 15 minutes
*7:25 AM - Train #2 delayed another 5 minutes
*7:30 AM - Train #2 delayed a total of 35 minutes (Did I mention it was FREEZING?)
*7:50 AM - Finally boarded Train #2.  Sat in 1st class because there weren't any other seats.  No one seemed to mind.
*8:15 AM - Arrived at 2nd connection station.  Missed Train #3 by about 5 minutes.  Scott went off in search of a solution. 
*9:00 AM - Realized that getting 2 taxis was the only option that guaranteed we'd make it to the airport on-time.  Missing our flight would mean having to stay in Germany 2 extra nights, plus rebook tickets for Friday, plus miss Thanksgiving, plus miss the Marlay Craft Fair.
*11:00 AM - Made it to Memmingen 2 hours and 500 euro later.  Checked in.  Got some coffee.  Went through security and passport control.
*12:40 PM - Our flight was scheduled to leave at 1:10 PM, but was stuck in a holding pattern due to intense fog
*1:00 PM - Still in a holding pattern.
*1:30 PM - Flight was redirected to another airport.  We had to go back through passport control take an hour bus ride to get to the plane.
*2:30 PM - Arrived at airport #2.  Waited in line for ages to go back through security (ONE PERSON AT A TIME... seriously?!?!?!) and passport control... again (that's right, I have 3 Germany stamps in my passport now because I left the country twice on Wednesday)
*3:30 PM - Wait almost 10 minutes on the shuttle bus to ride 250 meters (see how European I am?) to our plane.  Apparently it was too dangerous to walk that far.
*4:00 PM - Finally departed Germany, 30 minutes later than we were scheduled to land in Dublin
*5:15 PM - Arrived in Dublin, after gaining back an hour in transit. 

It was a really long day.  There were a few moments of panic, frustration, and resignation, but I'm proud of how well we all held it together!  At least we made it home :)

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Tesco delivered all these groceries right to my kitchen tonight!  I went shopping online, set up a time, and didn't have to carry a thing.  Very handy when you rely on teammates and other forms of public transport to get you to Ireland's Wal-mart.  Yes, there are 6 jars of peanut butter and 4 packages of fajita seasoning.  Can't pass up a sale on the good stuff.  Now, if they only had hot tamales and canned pumpkin.  Not together, of course.

It's crunch time, baby!

The Marlay Craft Fair is just a couple weeks away!  Denise, Juli, and myself have gone craft-crazy trying to get ready for our booth... the Prickly Pear... don't laugh.  We leave for Germany next Friday and won't be back until Wednesday.  Then Thursday is Thanksgiving (insert mouth-watering, tummy-growling, spine-shivering excitement).  Then the fair starts Friday!  That means we only have five solid days of crafting left.  I'll be at school for two of those days.  Plus one day of mock-set-up/packing for Germany/miscellaneous non-crafting activity.  So forget the five days.  I've got two.  Two days.  Forty-eight hours.  Oh, I do love pressure!

I invited myself to Denise's house for an overnight Crunch-Time-Craft-Day.  We were very productive.  Scott had to stand on the table to accurately document all the productfullness.  I finished several mug rugs.  And I quilted/bound/washed two quilts... which was quite an accomplishment, considering I broke three needles and had countless machine-related issues.  No time to dwell on the problems.  Gotta keep trucking stitching.

Busy.  Busy.  Busy.  Humming machines.  Grunts of frustration.  It's always better when you have company.  Thanks for the "invitation", Denise.

 

A sampling of mug rugs.

What's a mug rug?  A little rug for your mug of tea (or coffee, or hot chocolate, or juice, or whatever) plus room for a biscuit (or cookie, or scone, or apple, or whatever).

Some pillows.

Some zippy pouches.

A quilt to finish.  Next thing on The-List.

What's left:
one more quilt to quilt/bind
a few pillows
lots of mug rugs, maybe 15 or so
cut all the loose strings off EVERYTHING
homework (yuck)

No more time to waste... it's crunch time, baby!!!!!!!!

Things Hoped For

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  Heb 11:1

There are so many things that draw my heart away from my Creator.  Pride.  Complacency.  Anger.  Despair.  Insecurity.  Inadequacy.  Inferiority.  The list goes on.  But in the dead of night, when the quiet darkness is heavy with ambiguity, my soul cries out to Yahweh.  These are the things I hope for...

To be full of thankfulness.  To be consumed by His love.  To rejoice always.  To be genuinely content.  For every breath I take to honor His kingdom.  For every word I speak to echo His truth.  To love with abandon.  To fall before His throne.  To feel His arms engulf my raging heart.  To hide in His light, where the darkness cannot find me.  To find rest in His promises.  To find peace in His presence.  To find my place in His holiness.  To delight in Him completely.  To desire Him and no other. 

This is where He meets me.  In this place, my Creator calms the storm inside my heart.  He whispers His words into the depths of my soul.

I am Yahweh, the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  I do not faint or grow weary.  Wait for me.  I will renew your strength (Isaiah 40:28, 30).  I am in your midst.  I will save you.  I rejoice over you.  Be quieted by my love.  I exult over you with loud singing (Zephaniah 3:17).  My steadfast love never ceases.  My mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning.  I am faithful.  Let me be your portion.  Hope in me (Lamentation 3:24).  Seek me.  You will find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you (Jeremiah 29:13-14).  Now be still.  Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10) 

Then sings my soul.